Why?

Bismillah.

As i'm writing this, i was too stressed out studying for exams
so i thought, why not ah kan update blog.


was reading the previous conversation on whatsapp the other day,
and i thought how lucky i am to have someone yang
despite how tired and sleepy he is, will wish me good morning and good night.
Walaupun dah tertidur, and woke up in the middle of the night, if he forgot to wish me good night before he falls asleep,
he will do it that time.

and i remember waking up, seeing those texts, makes me smile.

not a day goes by yang dia tak cakap sayang u.
and i thought, wow, he mustve been sayang me so much, huh? lol.
even time gaduh, and i know he have the urge of saying nasty stuff,
he ended up saying " we both need rest, i sayang u "

and i ended up feeling so... lucky.


those little things makes me loves you more.
thank you.

Syafika L.

Ups, something went wrong.

Bismillah.

I have to sit for my final tomorrow
But i cant seems to focus on my studies.
Dok baca takaful takaful, last last jadi beautiful
Macam mana? #hambar

Anyhow, as i'm sitting down next to the window inside my room,
sipping some hot milo,
I just feel like i need to write something
So here i am,
writing for me and you.

It's December now.
Funny how fast time flies kan?
And i dont even achieve my 2015 target
which is getting married
Macam mana weyh?

luckily, ada juga orang nak kat saya
mungkin boleh jadi resolusi next year untuk paksa dia datang meminang kan?
Paksa tau, sejenis gelojoh syafika ni. hahaha

Anyhow,
not that i want to brag about my dating life and shit,
but yeah,
ada sejenis perasaan dalam hati yang buat
semua benda ni jadi menakutkan

I dont like some of the conversation ive to went through with people i love
i dont mind people who just dont even care about sensetive issues that i feel
but it does bother me sometimes

Macam kita lalui satu nightmare
yang macam drama
dan ia back to back
so kita jadi takut nak tidur
sebab takut malam tu nightmare tu datang lagi
you feel me?

I dont want to go through what my mom went through before
I just feel like i dont have the strength to go through it

Even talking about it makes me weak,
walaupun its a joke or a sarcasm
apatah lagi kalau ive to go through it in real life

I am so scared
Haih.

Syafika L.

Small things

Bismillah.

i just want to write this one down
manalah tahu in case anything happen to me
jadi pelupa ke apa kan
i can read this and smile again
even if its hard for me to recall it
but at least i know i wrote this
and it happened

my boyfriend have OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
which makes him a psycho

kidding. lol.

i know some (many actually) things really annoys him

how i dressed up
how i wear my tudung, my bag
how i just love to throw everything at the back of my car so i can hide em
bla bla bla
you get the idea.

the funny thing is that
although i know that
he's so annoyed by that
because he wants everything to be in order
in place bla bla bla

but
i didnt change
at all
although i know he wants me to
but i didnt

you wanna know why?

because i find it so cute
to have someone that will tarik benang terkeluar dari tudung
just because the tudung punya jahitan was messy
while talking to me
i didnt care about it, but he did

i find it so cute
to have someone that will tolong me betulkan my tali bag
sebab i dont even care kalau tali dia terpeleot ke apa ke
but he did
and he will fix it like thousands time
tapi i will like saja saja biar je tali tu terpeleot sebab
i like it when he fix it haha (kantoi)


and i find it so cute
to have someone to criticize how i look
what i wear and all
although i didnt give a f about it
but he did
and yeah i want him to do that
because at least i know he noticed the small stuff

i remember when i tinggalkan my car at his home
and when i'm back
the car was like super clean
when i open my bonet kereta
everything was well organized
in few boxes
and bags
hahahahaha

sheesh.

having him,
now,
makes me the happiest kid alive



i know this sounds cheesy
but i just want to remember the small things
just because
i love small things
that makes me smile whenever i think of it


ttyl 💋
Syafika L.

31/31

Bismillah.

First there was texting.
And then seeing each other once or twice per week,
And then texting, and random calls.
And then seeing each other once or twice per week, still.
And then minimum texting but phone calls.
And then minimum texing, less calls but once in a bluemoon video calls.
And then seeing each other more then three times per week.
And then texting, and no more calls.
And then less and less texting and bla bla bla.

Sustain,
I know it's hard keep the sparks alive
But why don't i feel bored of calling.
or tired of texting
or giving up to drive that far just to see you?

Why do i still feel excited whenever i wanna see u,
even if it's just for a 30 mins lunch time?

But why do i feel like you dont feel that way, anymore?

Yes, sayang, i feel the emotions,
i see the actions,
but it becoming less and less
and i'm scared that those feelings will lost along the way someday.

I see some of my friends who have been together for almost 4years now,
Seeing each other almost everyday,
But everytime he saw her, it's like he's currently seeing her for the first time again and again.
Those eyes, they aren't lying.

Is it that hard to keep the sparks?
Do I have to try harder?

Hello November,
I'm sorry i'm not excited for you
I'm sorry i'm a mess
Please hang in there
Promise i'll be better.


I'm just wondering,
Syafika L.

Last october.

Bismillah.

Dan hari ini adalah hari terakhir dalam bulan oktober.
Mungkin sebab penghujung oktober dah so semua benda dah berubah.
Mungkin semua manusia jadi manis sebab oktober was my birthday month,
so bila dah nak penghujung ni semua berubah jadi seperti sedia kala.

Atau sebab manusia memang cepat bosan?

Kenapalah Tuhan tak bagi perasaan mudah bosan tu kepada aku?
So aku tak perlu nak rasa macam ni
Tak perlu nak rasa bersungguh sungguh untuk semua perkara
Penat
Entahlah.

Kalau lah Tuhan tu bagi perasaan putus asa dan bosan tu pada seorang yang bernama Syafika
mesti aku tak rasa sucks macam ni sekarang
so aku pun boleh jadi heartless mcm orang lain
Yang layan aku baik hanya sebab Oktober was my birthday month.

Jangan tanya kenapa but yeah,
Syafika lama dah mati.


Bye,
Syafika L.

Syafika dua enam

Bismillah.

Now where do i start? 

I turned 26 on 19th of October 2015, which is yesterday. 

Like usual, i dont really like october and my birthday but this year, everything seems so different. 

I like october, oh wait, let me rephrase the word, 

I LOVE OCTOBER! 

Everything seems so perfect for october this year. Yes, still have my ups and downs, but for someone who doesn't really love to celebrate her birthday, i kindda cherish my birthday this year. 

Well, on 16th of october, mama dengan kakak datang dari johor untuk buat surprise sebab kan Johor cuti on friday and saturday, and my birthday is on Monday, so diorang buat advance celebration lah kononnya. 

It was so nice, semua keluar pakai pyjamas, nyanyi lagu happy birthday and i was so surprised, and terlompat lompat macam orang gila dan peluk mama. Sebab every year pun diorang bagi perfume, so i've told them not perfume this year. Demand kan? But, yeah. kesian diorang beli lepastu i didnt use it because i dont like the smell, so membazir. But still, mestilah simpan, sayang :) 

Mama bagi red wedges -_-" dengan note " semoga menjadi lebih wanita selepas ni " , K. Kakak and jiha bagi macam a potrait canvas eh apa ntah nama dia, so boleh lah gantung dalam bilik. Wawa bagi pandora with one cute pendant which suits me, yealah, i didnt wear silver stuff, so mcm dia pandai sebab dia belikan leather strap, so i surely wear punya lah.  No picture of the suspects sebab semua pakai baju tidur, sekian. hahaha

My delishyums birthday cake. 

So the night before my birthday, which is October 18th, F asked me to go dinner with him. We plan, i mean bukan we lah, he wanted to go to Seoul Garden sebab 50% off for the birthday girl ( coz we're cheapskate like that haha! ) So, okaylah. Layan je lah. 

Tapi apa yang menariknya adalah, kitorang dah plan nak makan since 9 years ago. yes, NINE, SEMBILAN TAHUN LEPAS. And this year, just before my birthday, kitorang baru pergi makan sama-sama. now, baru boleh cakap, how fast time flies! OMG! 

My handsome cutie patootie b....eef wrap. HAHAHA :P 

So sweet, siap buatkan beef wrap lah apa lah. Cair sekejap. So, kitorang makan cepat sebab nak kejar movie which is awesome sebenarnya movie tu tapi sebab seat dia tak comfortable, so dia macam spoil sikit ( ya Tuhan, mohon bersyukurlah sebuah Syafika ni -_-") And i think, F tertidur banyak kali jugak lah maybe because he's too tired sebab ada event dari pagi sampai petang. See, so sweet i cair some more. Cannot lah like this. 

And then, we went to Tasik Cyberjaya just to chill and talk sambil ditemani udara jerebu yang krik krik k thanks. hahaha 

I was sooooo overdressed that night while he just pakai a simple black t and short pastu selipar sekian terima kasih syafika nak pergi terjun bangunan sekarang. K. Benda tu adalah paling kelakar  dan memalukan sekali dan Syafika akan ingat mungkin sampai habis hayat dia ya pasal malam tu. K let's not even talk about it anymore. 

It was one of the sweetest birthday night ever, and i kindda like my birthday this year because of it. 

So, bila balik tu ingat dah habis lah tekanan jantung pada diri seorang syafika. Rupanya Fara datang dan bawa kek, siap belon dengan lilin ada lagu. Dah lah keluar dari dapur, nasib baik tak kena hempuk dengan kuali. hahaha But it was the sweetest. Oh have i ever tell you that i have the bestest godangg friend in the whole world? Yes, i am. 

That over-the-top-shine-bright-like-a-diamond red bag was given by milaf dan belon tu lah yang berdiri cantik je kat meja makan waktu cheq sampai rumah kenkonon surprise lah dari cikpah hahaha 

It was indeed a lovely day until one guy call me and cakap dia dari Gdex nak hantar barang. F ada beli barang which dia kata kemeja warna hijau yang dia beli online sebab nak pakai waktu concert Yuna tapi sebab "tersalah tengok information" katanya, baju tu sampai today lah. F selalu kat office so yeah i thought why not send it to my house since i'm always at home kan. 

Rupanya.... 

He send me a bouquet of flowers :) 

Tak payah lah cerita apa jadi but i was over the moon at that time okay. Siap whatsapp emosi " kenapa you buat i macam ni? " padahal dapat bunga kot. Syafika seorang emosi berpisah tiada. hahaha

I was so shocked, but happy kindda shocked sampai tak tahu nak react macam mana, i ended up crying. Sebab terharu okay, umur doplohnam baru dapat bunga. Urgh! So emosi. haha 

And that was the highlight of my day. 

The best thing that ever happened on 19th Oct 2015. 

Full stop. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Dearest F,

You're one of the best thing that God have given me this year. 

You gave me the most meaningful birthday present this year, which is your time, 

and your effort to make me happy, makes it even better. 

I love how you gave me your long sweet birthday wishes,

and the way you sang that kpop birthday song, man, no one can challenge that. HAHA 

Not to forget, that bouquet of flowers and the note , it's beautiful. 

I  love every bits of it. 

Thank you for making me love October this year. 

Sayang you, milaff. 

___________________________________________________________________________

" To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness " - Robert Brault .

Alhamdulillah. 

Lucky girl right here,

Syafika L. 

18/31

Bismillah.


Seorang syafika yang berumur 25tahun 11bulan dan 29 hari adalah
seorang manusia yang tak konsisten

I never thought that final year can be very tiring, dah almost lost count berapa banyak kali
balik kelas emosi nangis atas katil sebab study.
Susahnya.

But, selalunya aku nak sangat cepat habis belajar but with this kindda economy here
in Malaysia nak habis belajar cepat cepat pun, lepastu nak buat apa?

Yes, i have some sort of plans. Plan A, Plan B, Plan C.
Dan kalau semua plan tak jadi, i'm gonna withdraw all my savings and travel the world,
malas nak fikir lah.

I was having a conversation with mak the other day,

Me : Do u plan ur future waktu kecik dulu, ma?
Ma : Yes, dari kecil mama memang nak jadi cikgu, nak masuk maktab was my aim at that time.
Me : And everything turned out to be the way you want it?
Ma : yes, minus the divorce.
Me : what if i dont have any plans? What if apa ika rancang tak jadi mcm mana ika nak? What if ika tak boleh bangga kan mama, tak jadi macam apa yang mama dengan ayah nak? What if ika tak boleh jadi a good example untuk adik adik? Ika grad umur ika almost 27, siapa je nak hire ika kerja? i dont have any experience in working industry, i dont have anything to offer, graduating from ipts with average cgpa je, macam mana ika nak hidup?
Ma : You think too much sometimes. Semua orang ada rezeki masing-masing, bezanya macam mana kita usaha. Mama dah happy tengok ika berubah banyak, even ika takut everything tak turn out to be the way you want it to be, just terus plan juga. By doing that, you will know what to do sooner or later. Jangan risau, ika kan suka figure out stuff, you'll figure out your life just like you always do. Worry less, do more. Doa banyak banyak moga Tuhan mudahkan.


Maybe i'm scared sebab dah nak 26 tahun but my life doesnt seems to fall to its places just yet. But yeah, life goes on. The clock is ticking. I just need to figure how to manage my mind and my life.

Messy world ahead.


Seorang syafika yang emosi,
Syafika L.