10.21pm

Bismillah.

This might be the last post from me.
I might delete all my social media account after this.
Well, i deleted my FB and twitter.
All i have is you, and my instagram.

i know this is drastic.
But i feel so stupid!

I am hopeless.
I usually be there for someone who doesn't even want to
do the same for me.

I am just stupid.
I noticed everything but i let myself to be in this pain.

You gave so much to a person that you love
and to make sure that he knows everything's going to be okay

But, you know that
he won't do the same for you
because his heart isn't for you

Why do you make yourself like this, Syafika?
You know you won't get him
You know that it's not gonna end with a happy ending
But yet, you still want to stay


Why do you want to waste your time and energy
for someone that you know
won't even wipe your tears and be there for you when you need him?

Why?
Syafika L.

5.18am

Bismillah.

When do we know that we're ready?
how do we know that it's the best for ourself, our life?
How can we be so sure about something?


well, i dont have the answer for all that
Only God knows.


Lemme tell you a story.

i am never ready to wear hijab.
well that was what i thought before.
i always belief that hijab won't be a proof on how better you are as a muslim
get it?
i want to be ready physically and mentally if i really wanna wear it
because for me, hijab represents a muslim woman
that is moderate and sacred.

i cant do whatever i did when i was free hair
after i wear the hijab
thus, i feel like i'm not ready to leave my old fun life
i'm not ready to change my perspective and my act after i wear the hijab


and then my lecturer died.
i was so scared
i was lost
i dont even know what to do

and i ran to my sister, crying and asking her
why do i feel this way.
and i remembered she was saying about maybe i didnt take good care of myself
and i know she was referring about me not covering my aurat.

i told her i'm not ready for a drastic change,
i dont know if i'm ready to leave everything after i wear the hijab
and she told me this ;

" kak, we will never be ready for anything. tapi tak salah kalau we took the chances.
macam kita tak pernah bersedia untuk mati. esok lusa tuhan boleh ambil nyawa kita, kak.
tak kan kita nak cakap kat tuhan, Jap jap, aku tak sedia lagi. tak boleh. we just need to
prepare ourself to be ready to go back to him one day, make sure that we live our life
correctly so this life won't be a waste of time. so bila kita balik mengadap Dia nanti kita boleh
cakap, dear God, i did everything that u asked me to do, even if it's not my best, but at least i
gave it a try. sama juga dengan isu tudung ni. all of the excuses yang kakak buat ni is all in yourself.
you've made them. so why can't you break them? give it a try. tak semestinya kena drastik. but
you'll be a better version of yourself soon. '

and two days after that, i decided to wear the hijab. it was awkward for a 24years old girl, sebab
rasa macam lambatnya nak berubah.
but you know what, i took my chance. and i'm not ready pun waktu tu.

but i can feel that day by day, i'm trying my best to be a better version of myself.
i dont even know when i'll reach there but yang penting usaha.

therefore, what i'm trying to say is,
kita tak kan pernah sedia untuk apa-apa pun
tapi tak salah kalau kita cuba
kita akan sentiasa buat macam macam excuse bila kita tak bersedia
tapi kalau kita usaha, kita akan sampai juga.
yang penting usaha.
tu je.
yang lain, pabila masa Tuhan setuju,
Dia akan bantu.


sorry ah. aku tengah kusut.
tulisan pun merapu.
but i hope you get what i'm trying to say.


now, are we ready to take our chances
and make a change?

hugs and kisses,
Syafika L.

11.15pm

Bismillah.


Here is the truth ;

It's so hard to be in love with someone
who is in love with someone else

Blerghhhhh.


Selamat malam
Syafika L.

2.31am

Bismillah

I have so many things to write right now
But I know you (you-know-who-you-are-if-you-ever-read-this) would hate me if i do that

But tell me,
how am i suppose to let everythings out?
who or where can i share all my feelings with?

You can be so mean sometimes,
i dont even know whether u realize it or not
but i hate it when you do that


i fell in love with your broken, fucked up, beautiful soul,
but i dont know if that's good enough for you
because i am so tired of this chasing game
and you know i'm a quiter
and i am so tired
to the point where i feel like giving up

and i dont want to feel that way.


now tell me,
who am i to you?
Syafika L.

4.05am

Bismillah,

dear F,

i was so stress today.
so manu things happened and i was so mad about almost
everything

i wanted to tell you about it
but it seems like you're not interested to know about my life
while i was eager to know about your day

i know you're currently in a phase
where you're trying to fit in
to make yourself comfortable with having me inside your life

i wanted to be yours so bad
i wanted to tell you how's my day
what hurts me
what makes me happy
and what's bothering me

now tell me,
am i worth it?
if you think you're doing the right thing,
why do i have to weite this?
why do i feel like ive no one to talk to?

just like any other girls,
they want someone to share their problems and happiness,
why do i feel like i cant do that with you anymore?




i'm sorry if you feel mad because i wrote this
but sometimes, i need someone to talk to
and i dont feel like i have you to do that anymore


Help me,
Syafika L.

2.27 am

Bismillah


" she is a paradox
she is faithful and yet detached
she is committed and yet relaxed
she loves everyone and yet no one
she is sociable but also a loner
she is gentle and yet tough
she is passionate but can also be platonic
in short, she is predicatble in her predictability "



well, i am a strange girl,
hopelessly lost and terribly confused
whats wors, i think i may have fallen
madly in love with you



happy Eid,
Syafika L.

4.28am

Bismillah,

there are some nights
that i have to struggle
to make myself sleep

this insomnia shit is killing me

stranded on the bed
hoping that this eyes of mine can close
so i can be in the other world
the world of dreams where i am a wanderer
wandering around searching for happiness

but,

there are some nights
that i just decided to talk to God
when struggling to sleep seems too hard for this old body of mine


and that moment i realized,
i told God about you, a lot
then i cried.


Good night beautiful people,
Syafika L.